Stammering self, non stammering self and the Self

 Upanishads say that he who says he knows, knows not and he who says he doesn't know knows something. The meaning is that the reality cannot be grasped by the senses and if somebody says that he doesn't know it, he at least has come to a state in which he has understood the limitations of the senses. This takes him on a journey of self discovery in which he goes to his core. 

He negates all the manifested things through the process of 'neti neti' ( not this, not this) and ultimately reaches the pure consciousness which is the ever existing reality. Bhagavan Ramana Maharshi said that we should abide in that Self and that was jnana. In that state only the Self exists.

Isavasyopanishad says he who sees himself in others and others in him has no sorrow, worry or trouble. He sees only the Self. There is nothing other than the self.

I had a discussion with Dr. Sachin of TISA (The Indian Stammering Association) recently. I knew that he also read Bhagavan Ramana Maharshi a lot and slowly the discussion went into the Bhagavan and Indian philosophy. When it came to the point of abiding in the Self, he told initially he was not sure whether to abide in the stammering self or his non stammering self. Later on he realised that the Self was beyond all these.  

When we came to the point of discussing the concept of 'he who says he knows, knows not', he told if a person says he is a stammerer he is wrong; if he says he is a non stammerer, again he is wrong. He is beyond all these.

Yes we are beyond all these concepts. The real recovery from stammering happens when we understand this reality. It doesn't happen through any technique. All the techniques like bouncing, prolongation etc should be discarded at one point; to borrow the words of the Maharshi once again, like the stick used for stirring the fire getting burnt in the end.

As Sri M, the great yogi of our time, says in his talks and in his writings, one of the sparks for anybody to go along the path of Self discovery is depression or sorrow. This is corroborated by the fact that the first chapter of Bhagavat Gita is known as Arjuna Vishada Yoga. 

So let's consider the stammering as the necessary spark for us to go on the path of Self discovery and achieve the real recovery. In that state where only the Self exists, is there anything called stammering self or non stammering self?

How to deal with stammering (A sequel to Ssstammering and my life)

Sometimes I get mails from people, who read my blog ‘Ssstammering and my life’ athttp://sudheendranavittathur.blogspot.in/2016/02/ssstammering-and-my-life.html, asking whether there is a cure for stammering and what are the ways of dealing with stammering. I am not a person who is cured of stammering. In fact there is no known cure for it. In other words, there is no treatment which can guarantee a cure. When somebody hears this, he usually becomes disappointed. There is no need to become disappointed, as stammering can be managed to such an extent that it doesn’t affect the life of the stammerer.

The experts compare stammering with an iceberg. What you see outside is only a small part. There is a big emotional baggage which is not visible outside. From my experience, the traditional treatments or therapies deal with the part which is seen outside. They teach methods like prolongation, speaking slowly, breathing techniques etc, but they don’t usually deal with the submerged part. May be, that is the reason why most of the traditional therapies do not give long lasting relief from stammering.

There are people who lead a normal life though they stammer. Most of them do not show any symptom of stammering or they stammer very lightly. How is it so? The answer is; they manage it. They have learned how to deal with it and how to handle the day to day activities without difficulties. They have learned how to live with it. They have accepted their stammering and they do not run away from things from which they always used to run away.

The most important point is accepting yourself as a stammerer and removing the shame of stammering from the mind. When we try to hide or fight with it, it increases the tension. It will aggravate the problem. Instead of that be comfortable with it and stammer easily. We can even tell in advance that we stammer. By doing this, we won’t try to hide our stammering and the tension will go away.

Accepting yourself as a stammerer is a concept which is very much misunderstood. We speak about revealing our stammering in advance and relieving the tension. When I just finished my education and was looking for a job, I used to reveal my stammering in interviews, but I never got any relief! I used to stammer more and used to fail miserably! I used to reveal it, as if I was resigned to the fact that I was a stammerer and that I was sorry about that. It was that attitude which was creating the issue.

Acceptance is living with stammering, without fighting with that. You accept it as a part of your life and go ahead in life. You learn to be easy with that or learn to coexist with that. You don’t think of getting a magic remedy with which you can come out of it. You learn to stammer easily.

Most of the time, we are very much worried about the reaction of others or what others think about us when we stammer. We think others will ridicule us. In reality others are more interested in what we speak, not in how we speak. Most of the people are accommodative and are willing to listen (this might not be the case with children though). Only a minority laughs at this. Let them laugh. Let us laugh along with them or laugh off their ridicule. When a majority is willing to accommodate us, let us speak, even if we stammer. Lets not hide it.

The article ‘Ssstammering and my life’ was written when I was in HCL. That was the time when I started to accept my stammering. By 2010, I left HCL and joined JSW group in their IT division known as JSoft solutions. I joined them in a senior level role and it was necessary for me to interact with the CEO and other leaders of the organization, coordinate meetings of seniors, deal with external vendors etc. Though I used to run meetings with seniors in my previous jobs, I used to struggle a lot and used to feel bad. This job required that and a bit more to be done frequently. The concept of acceptance made me at ease and I began to do these with ease, though I used to stammer. I would continue irrespective of my stammering!

After one year, I  joined Infosys. Here too, interactions and meetings with senior leaders were part of the job. Though I faltered in a few cases, I continued. I slowly realized that I was not feeling bad in these situations. Another area which I could improve was talking over the phone, as the people with whom I interacted were sitting in different cities. Earlier I was not comfortable with telephonic conversations. Again, doing it continuously gave me the confidence. The new found confidence combined with acceptance made me a better speaker over the phone too.

Experts say, facing the challenges head on is the best way to deal with it. My experience is not different. Accepting your limitations and going ahead in life is the best way to deal with any difficult situation including stammering.

Does it mean that we should not go for any treatment? Partly yes, but it doesn’t mean that it has to be avoided. Usually, we approach treatments with the hope of getting a complete cure. As mentioned earlier, there is no guaranteed cure for this. When we do not get a cure we become disappointed. It, in turn creates more trouble. So always go to those therapists who treat fluency disorders and those who do not charge a big fee. Go there only to learn some techniques which might help in dealing with stammering and not for cure. Go there to learn how to deal with the visible part of the stammering iceberg. Deal with the submerged part through acceptance and facing the challenges head on.

Most of the people ask about support systems which will help in managing stammering.  Joining the self help group (SHG) will be a good option. It is happening in several places. It is free of cost. It helps you in interacting with fellow stammeres and learning from them. Most of the time, whatever you get to learn from a therapist, can be learned from there free of cost! If you are in India, please visithttp://stammer.in/ to get the details of SHGs run by TISA (The Indian Stammering Association). There will be similar groups in other countries too. TISA also conducts skype calls periodically. Please join those call, if you are unable to join SHGs. These will help in improving your confidence, accepting your stammering and improving your communication skill.

There is more to life than stammering. Start enjoying the life. Some of us would be holding us back from those things which we always wanted to do. We might be under the feeling that we would do it once stammering is cured! Don’t wait for that cure. Just go ahead and do those things which we always wanted to. We will start engaging with life. We will realize that there are several things to attend to other than stammering. Slowly stammering will become not important. Instead of clinging on to stammering, we will release it. We will allow it to be with us without giving it any importance.

If you are comfortable when you stammer, if you develop a smile when somebody ridicules you for stammering, if you are comfortable in talking about stammering, if you are doing those things from which you were running away, then you are managing your stammering well. Does it mean that you will be cured of it after some time? No, you might still stammer, but you will be at ease with it. You will face the world and will succeed!

Driving and anger management - how to face challenges like stammering

The philosophers say “it is not the problems, but our reaction to the problems which matter a lot”. Indian philosophy, especially Bhagavat Gita speaks about Sthitaprajna. Sthitaprajna is a person who takes both good and bad experiences of life with equanimity. For him all experiences are alike. If we can develop an attitude in which we do our activities in the best possible way without reacting too much to the situations around us, the life becomes very simple! Let us see this in one of the situations in life, where the people become angry very easily, namely driving!  

Some people say driving through chaotic traffic makes them stressful and angry and that they do not enjoy the driving. All of us face situations, which irritate us, while driving, but if we deal with them in a composed way, we will enjoy our driving.  

While driving, several people feel bad when somebody overtakes them. I remember seeing a TV program, when I was young, about good driving. According to the guy in the program, if somebody is trying to overtake you, allow him to, as he is driving faster than you. Instead of that, you  drive faster when you see others closing in on you or try to block them by not giving much space to them. When you drive faster or block others, you are in fact putting others in trouble. They become agitated and it can even lead to accidents. When I faced these situations, the old program and whatever the guy told in that came to my mind. I realized that allowing others to overtake didn’t make me a bad driver. We drive to reach our destination and others overtaking you doesn’t affect that goal at all! So why should we be worrying about that too much? In life too, some people might achieve whatever you were trying to achieve, faster than you. In fact, you also will reach your goal, if you follow your path! 

Some people change the lane and suddenly move to your lane and some other people overtake you through the wrong side and come to your lane. You are following the lane discipline, but other are not. You become angry and again try to block others. Usually these happen when you are stuck at a signal or in a traffic jam. When you try to block others, it, in fact, makes the situation worse. The gridlock in which you are stuck increases! You get more and more delayed. It is not that others were right in changing the lane and overtaking in the wrong way. They will realize the mistake or face the consequences in due course of time. Our reaction to these doesn’t change them or change the situation, but only aggravates the situation. Similarly you might see others irritating you in some way or the other. Don’t react unless it is a major issue. They will fritter away! 

Some people especially two wheelers and autorikshaws squeeze through the gaps between the vehicles. This is very similar to the one described above. This happen in slow moving traffic and when you are stuck in signals or in traffic Jams. If you allow them to go, they just go away and do not trouble you at all. They will find some other gaps and move ahead! Instead of that if you try to stop it, it can make the situation worse. It can lead to them scraping your vehicle or can even lead to arguments and fights. It spoils the day.  

In some cases, people come in the wrong direction, through the wrong carriageway or by breaking the one way rules. You get irritated by this. In some cases, you stop these people and it leads to traffic pile up, arguments and fights. Again, they were not right in breaking the rule and they will realize the mistake or face the consequences in due course of time. In life too, you might see people achieving the goals in the wrong way. Let us follow our path and achieve our goal without getting affected by others. 

Another irritant while driving will be, vehicles, especially heavy vehicles, going slowly and we getting stuck behind them. In most of the cases, you get stuck as the roads are narrow or due to heavy traffic. If you observe, in some cases, if you patiently follow them, you will get a chance to overtake and move ahead when you reach wider stretches of the road or when the traffic subsides. The same with problems in life too. If you patiently wait, you will get an opportunity to overcome them. In some other cases, the vehicle in front of you will take a different route, allowing you to move freely! Like this, the problems in life too may go away on their own! In other cases, the vehicle in front of you will continue till end of the road. It might delay you, but you will reach your destination safely. If you had tried to overtake them forcefully, you would have become agitated or it would  have led to some accidents. In the same way, some of the problems will remain with us, but if we accept them, we will ultimately achieve our goals.  

So, the way we react to the problems faced, while driving and also in other fields in life really matters. If we improve our reaction to these situations, we might improve our reactions to other situations too (including stammering) and manage them in a better way.  Initially we might feel angry deep within, though we might not show  it outside. It will improve over a period of time. May be, we can use our reaction to these situations as a measure of our own improvement or spiritual progress!

Speaking about stammering

Naveen is one of the members of the Bangalore SHG from the very first meeting itself. I still remember the first meeting and was really surprised to see a person like him in the meeting as he was speaking fluently. He told he acquired this habit when he was in seventh standard and that he was a good speaker and an actor before that. He spoke a lot about the problems of stammering like running away from situations in which he had to speak and his struggles to hide his stammering. He told none in his company knew he was a stammerer.

Recently he sent a mail to the group telling he faced some personal tragedies and was living in his native place which was around 100 KMs from Bangalore and was travelling daily to Bangalore and back. His stammering had also aggravated due to this. In addition to that he was denied a promotion to the managerial post in his company. His CEO felt he had some attitudinal issues as he always used to reply in monologues to him and always avoided talking to him over the phone. He did this as he didn’t want them to know about his stammering. He asked for suggestions to come out of this situation.

Most of us including Dr. Sachin suggested him to speak to the CEO about his problem and to avoid hiding his problem. Though he was a bit apprehensive, in the end he decided to speak to him about this. After a few days he sent a mail telling he had a discussion with his CEO about stammering. His CEO told him that he knew about his stammering and that he was waiting for him to talk to him about this! He promised all his help to him and asked him to work on his presentation skill and prove to himself that he was a good presenter.

After a few days, he sent one more mail telling he talked to one more director of the company and she also told she knew about his stammering and used to communicate to him only through the mail because of that. He always used to speak in monologues and she thought that was the best way to talk to him! She advised him to practice yoga and meditation and offered all the help.

These incidents show the advantages of not hiding the stammering. We undergo a great amount of tension hiding our stammering and most of the time stammering comes out on its own without our knowledge. Most of the time the listeners are not concerned about the stammering but about our habit of running away from the situations and going into a shell. Sometimes they might even offer help! So, let us not hide the stammering. Let us remove some tension by openly speaking about it.

(Originally written on 15-Jul-2011 at https://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2011/07/speaking-about-stammering.html and http://stammer.in/articles/38-cat-stuttering-related/466-speaking-about-stammering.html)

Stammering and Diabetes - similarities

Today, 27-Dec-2009, we had the stammering SHG meeting of Bangalore. During the course of the meeting, all of us spoke about a subject and one of the participants spoke about ‘Landmark education’ and accepting ourselves as we were. He told the people attending the landmark forum got breakthroughs for the problems of the life like stammering, diabetes etc. He mentioned about diabetes as I was also diabetic.

After that when my turn came, I told that there was no known cure for stammering and that we should learn to live with stammering and accept ourselves as stammerers. After that it was the turn of one of the new attendees and he told, he became disappointed when he heard my words and he told there was a cure and we should be very hopeful of a cure. I spoke about the real meaning of acceptance as removing the shame from our mind and working on our communication skill. I am not sure whether he was convinced.

Later when I reached home, I just thought about the two problems of my life, namely diabetes and stammering and suddenly I could see some similarities between the two. There is no known cure for both of them. If you are diabetic, you will have to accept yourself as diabetic and then move on in life by following diet control, so that diabetes doesn’t affect your life. If a diabetic did not accept his diabetes and tried to hide it, it would be catastrophic as he would take food with sugar and it would aggravate the problem. If he accepted himself as a diabetic, he would avoid food with sugar and his diabetes would be under control and he would lead a normal life.

Similarly if somebody is a stammerer, he should accept himself as a stammerer and shouldn’t try to hide it. At the same time he should do the things necessary for controlling it, like speaking slowly, prolongation or bouncing, whatever is suitable for him. In this way it will be possible for him to lead a normal life where the stammering doesn’t affect him. If he is trying to hide it by struggling to speak fluently, there would be a lot of stress and the severity of stammering will go up thereby affecting his communication.

I hope I could have used this parallel between stammering and diabetes in the meeting and convinced the person who was a bit apprehensive about the idea of acceptance.

(Originally written on 30-Dec-2009 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2009/12/acceptance-bangalore-27-dec-2009.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/283-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-27-dec-2009-and-the-discussion-on-acceptance.html)