Stammering self, non stammering self and the Self

 Upanishads say that he who says he knows, knows not and he who says he doesn't know knows something. The meaning is that the reality cannot be grasped by the senses and if somebody says that he doesn't know it, he at least has come to a state in which he has understood the limitations of the senses. This takes him on a journey of self discovery in which he goes to his core. 

He negates all the manifested things through the process of 'neti neti' ( not this, not this) and ultimately reaches the pure consciousness which is the ever existing reality. Bhagavan Ramana Maharshi said that we should abide in that Self and that was jnana. In that state only the Self exists.

Isavasyopanishad says he who sees himself in others and others in him has no sorrow, worry or trouble. He sees only the Self. There is nothing other than the self.

I had a discussion with Dr. Sachin of TISA (The Indian Stammering Association) recently. I knew that he also read Bhagavan Ramana Maharshi a lot and slowly the discussion went into the Bhagavan and Indian philosophy. When it came to the point of abiding in the Self, he told initially he was not sure whether to abide in the stammering self or his non stammering self. Later on he realised that the Self was beyond all these.  

When we came to the point of discussing the concept of 'he who says he knows, knows not', he told if a person says he is a stammerer he is wrong; if he says he is a non stammerer, again he is wrong. He is beyond all these.

Yes we are beyond all these concepts. The real recovery from stammering happens when we understand this reality. It doesn't happen through any technique. All the techniques like bouncing, prolongation etc should be discarded at one point; to borrow the words of the Maharshi once again, like the stick used for stirring the fire getting burnt in the end.

As Sri M, the great yogi of our time, says in his talks and in his writings, one of the sparks for anybody to go along the path of Self discovery is depression or sorrow. This is corroborated by the fact that the first chapter of Bhagavat Gita is known as Arjuna Vishada Yoga. 

So let's consider the stammering as the necessary spark for us to go on the path of Self discovery and achieve the real recovery. In that state where only the Self exists, is there anything called stammering self or non stammering self?

How to deal with children who stammer

Sometimes, I get messages asking for tips on dealing with children who stammer. Some of them tell they had little success with speech therapy of their children. On a few occasions, I told them that generally speech therapy was about managing stammering and chances of a complete recovery were high among children. I also told them that we ourselves can help the children in most of the cases. Unfortunately a few of them became more worried after hearing these. Instead of that, let us look at the positives.

Early and correct intervention from our side will help the child a lot, even leading to complete recovery. In fact my kids, son and daughter had also shown some signs of disfluency when they were 2 to 3 years old. Since I myself am a stammerer, I was really worried though my close relatives told these were normal in any child. Since there is a genetic connection to stammering, I wanted to ensure that they did not get it. The following points about dealing with stammering in children are based on my experiences too.

Old habits never die. If the child becomes successful in not making this style of speaking a habit, it leads to a complete recovery. To help the child in this, we should not make the child conscious of the way in which he or she speaks. The parent should not panic and show it on his or her face while dealing with the child. The child should not get a feeling that something is wrong. Let the child speak as if everything is fine. As some people say, stammering is something which happens when we try not to stammer. So let the child continue to speak without struggling to correct the speech.

In a bid to help the child we might advise him or her to slow down. This will help only in making the child conscious of the fact that something is wrong with his speech. Instead of that we should convey the same message by slowing down our own speech. If everybody at home decides to speak slowly, the same will be picked up by the child! 

Similarly allow the child to complete the words even if he or she is struggling. Do not try to complete the words. Be patient and listen carefully by maintaining normal eye contact and without flinching. These would help in not making the child conscious of the issue. Normally the onset of stammering happens when the child is 2 years old. At that time, the child will be most probably in the care of the parents. 

The points mentioned above if practiced, can help the child in coming out of the issue before he or she grows up  and starts interacting with the external world. If child has grown up, the following points in addition to  the above points might help.

Though adults do not face much ridicule, a child who stammers faces this a lot. The other children might see it as something funny and might make comments or laugh at it. If the child has siblings, talk to them and ask them to follow the same points mentioned above. Ask them to behave normally with him or her. If possible do the same with his or her friends too. If the child is of the school going age, please inform the teacher about this. If the child is complaining of children making fun of him, please convey the same to the teacher or take the help of the teacher. 

If the child is discussing about the issues of stammering, be open and calm and make him or her feel that it is okay to stammer. Encourage the child to do whatever he or she likes and appreciate him or her for the achievements. Let the child feel that he or she is just like any other child. If required, take the help of a speech therapist (speech language pathologist) who focusses of fluency issues. 

The confidence gained by the child in a friendly atmosphere at home and outside will surely help him or her in dealing with this situation. Early intervention aimed at not making the child conscious of the issue is the key. A few videos which might be of help are given below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2_mgt87g1Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMDNawyO1j4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTpckAufNDE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Po-WMo8vXRY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTfTai2JG4E

How to deal with stammering (A sequel to Ssstammering and my life)

Sometimes I get mails from people, who read my blog ‘Ssstammering and my life’ athttp://sudheendranavittathur.blogspot.in/2016/02/ssstammering-and-my-life.html, asking whether there is a cure for stammering and what are the ways of dealing with stammering. I am not a person who is cured of stammering. In fact there is no known cure for it. In other words, there is no treatment which can guarantee a cure. When somebody hears this, he usually becomes disappointed. There is no need to become disappointed, as stammering can be managed to such an extent that it doesn’t affect the life of the stammerer.

The experts compare stammering with an iceberg. What you see outside is only a small part. There is a big emotional baggage which is not visible outside. From my experience, the traditional treatments or therapies deal with the part which is seen outside. They teach methods like prolongation, speaking slowly, breathing techniques etc, but they don’t usually deal with the submerged part. May be, that is the reason why most of the traditional therapies do not give long lasting relief from stammering.

There are people who lead a normal life though they stammer. Most of them do not show any symptom of stammering or they stammer very lightly. How is it so? The answer is; they manage it. They have learned how to deal with it and how to handle the day to day activities without difficulties. They have learned how to live with it. They have accepted their stammering and they do not run away from things from which they always used to run away.

The most important point is accepting yourself as a stammerer and removing the shame of stammering from the mind. When we try to hide or fight with it, it increases the tension. It will aggravate the problem. Instead of that be comfortable with it and stammer easily. We can even tell in advance that we stammer. By doing this, we won’t try to hide our stammering and the tension will go away.

Accepting yourself as a stammerer is a concept which is very much misunderstood. We speak about revealing our stammering in advance and relieving the tension. When I just finished my education and was looking for a job, I used to reveal my stammering in interviews, but I never got any relief! I used to stammer more and used to fail miserably! I used to reveal it, as if I was resigned to the fact that I was a stammerer and that I was sorry about that. It was that attitude which was creating the issue.

Acceptance is living with stammering, without fighting with that. You accept it as a part of your life and go ahead in life. You learn to be easy with that or learn to coexist with that. You don’t think of getting a magic remedy with which you can come out of it. You learn to stammer easily.

Most of the time, we are very much worried about the reaction of others or what others think about us when we stammer. We think others will ridicule us. In reality others are more interested in what we speak, not in how we speak. Most of the people are accommodative and are willing to listen (this might not be the case with children though). Only a minority laughs at this. Let them laugh. Let us laugh along with them or laugh off their ridicule. When a majority is willing to accommodate us, let us speak, even if we stammer. Lets not hide it.

The article ‘Ssstammering and my life’ was written when I was in HCL. That was the time when I started to accept my stammering. By 2010, I left HCL and joined JSW group in their IT division known as JSoft solutions. I joined them in a senior level role and it was necessary for me to interact with the CEO and other leaders of the organization, coordinate meetings of seniors, deal with external vendors etc. Though I used to run meetings with seniors in my previous jobs, I used to struggle a lot and used to feel bad. This job required that and a bit more to be done frequently. The concept of acceptance made me at ease and I began to do these with ease, though I used to stammer. I would continue irrespective of my stammering!

After one year, I  joined Infosys. Here too, interactions and meetings with senior leaders were part of the job. Though I faltered in a few cases, I continued. I slowly realized that I was not feeling bad in these situations. Another area which I could improve was talking over the phone, as the people with whom I interacted were sitting in different cities. Earlier I was not comfortable with telephonic conversations. Again, doing it continuously gave me the confidence. The new found confidence combined with acceptance made me a better speaker over the phone too.

Experts say, facing the challenges head on is the best way to deal with it. My experience is not different. Accepting your limitations and going ahead in life is the best way to deal with any difficult situation including stammering.

Does it mean that we should not go for any treatment? Partly yes, but it doesn’t mean that it has to be avoided. Usually, we approach treatments with the hope of getting a complete cure. As mentioned earlier, there is no guaranteed cure for this. When we do not get a cure we become disappointed. It, in turn creates more trouble. So always go to those therapists who treat fluency disorders and those who do not charge a big fee. Go there only to learn some techniques which might help in dealing with stammering and not for cure. Go there to learn how to deal with the visible part of the stammering iceberg. Deal with the submerged part through acceptance and facing the challenges head on.

Most of the people ask about support systems which will help in managing stammering.  Joining the self help group (SHG) will be a good option. It is happening in several places. It is free of cost. It helps you in interacting with fellow stammeres and learning from them. Most of the time, whatever you get to learn from a therapist, can be learned from there free of cost! If you are in India, please visithttp://stammer.in/ to get the details of SHGs run by TISA (The Indian Stammering Association). There will be similar groups in other countries too. TISA also conducts skype calls periodically. Please join those call, if you are unable to join SHGs. These will help in improving your confidence, accepting your stammering and improving your communication skill.

There is more to life than stammering. Start enjoying the life. Some of us would be holding us back from those things which we always wanted to do. We might be under the feeling that we would do it once stammering is cured! Don’t wait for that cure. Just go ahead and do those things which we always wanted to. We will start engaging with life. We will realize that there are several things to attend to other than stammering. Slowly stammering will become not important. Instead of clinging on to stammering, we will release it. We will allow it to be with us without giving it any importance.

If you are comfortable when you stammer, if you develop a smile when somebody ridicules you for stammering, if you are comfortable in talking about stammering, if you are doing those things from which you were running away, then you are managing your stammering well. Does it mean that you will be cured of it after some time? No, you might still stammer, but you will be at ease with it. You will face the world and will succeed!

Driving and anger management - how to face challenges like stammering

The philosophers say “it is not the problems, but our reaction to the problems which matter a lot”. Indian philosophy, especially Bhagavat Gita speaks about Sthitaprajna. Sthitaprajna is a person who takes both good and bad experiences of life with equanimity. For him all experiences are alike. If we can develop an attitude in which we do our activities in the best possible way without reacting too much to the situations around us, the life becomes very simple! Let us see this in one of the situations in life, where the people become angry very easily, namely driving!  

Some people say driving through chaotic traffic makes them stressful and angry and that they do not enjoy the driving. All of us face situations, which irritate us, while driving, but if we deal with them in a composed way, we will enjoy our driving.  

While driving, several people feel bad when somebody overtakes them. I remember seeing a TV program, when I was young, about good driving. According to the guy in the program, if somebody is trying to overtake you, allow him to, as he is driving faster than you. Instead of that, you  drive faster when you see others closing in on you or try to block them by not giving much space to them. When you drive faster or block others, you are in fact putting others in trouble. They become agitated and it can even lead to accidents. When I faced these situations, the old program and whatever the guy told in that came to my mind. I realized that allowing others to overtake didn’t make me a bad driver. We drive to reach our destination and others overtaking you doesn’t affect that goal at all! So why should we be worrying about that too much? In life too, some people might achieve whatever you were trying to achieve, faster than you. In fact, you also will reach your goal, if you follow your path! 

Some people change the lane and suddenly move to your lane and some other people overtake you through the wrong side and come to your lane. You are following the lane discipline, but other are not. You become angry and again try to block others. Usually these happen when you are stuck at a signal or in a traffic jam. When you try to block others, it, in fact, makes the situation worse. The gridlock in which you are stuck increases! You get more and more delayed. It is not that others were right in changing the lane and overtaking in the wrong way. They will realize the mistake or face the consequences in due course of time. Our reaction to these doesn’t change them or change the situation, but only aggravates the situation. Similarly you might see others irritating you in some way or the other. Don’t react unless it is a major issue. They will fritter away! 

Some people especially two wheelers and autorikshaws squeeze through the gaps between the vehicles. This is very similar to the one described above. This happen in slow moving traffic and when you are stuck in signals or in traffic Jams. If you allow them to go, they just go away and do not trouble you at all. They will find some other gaps and move ahead! Instead of that if you try to stop it, it can make the situation worse. It can lead to them scraping your vehicle or can even lead to arguments and fights. It spoils the day.  

In some cases, people come in the wrong direction, through the wrong carriageway or by breaking the one way rules. You get irritated by this. In some cases, you stop these people and it leads to traffic pile up, arguments and fights. Again, they were not right in breaking the rule and they will realize the mistake or face the consequences in due course of time. In life too, you might see people achieving the goals in the wrong way. Let us follow our path and achieve our goal without getting affected by others. 

Another irritant while driving will be, vehicles, especially heavy vehicles, going slowly and we getting stuck behind them. In most of the cases, you get stuck as the roads are narrow or due to heavy traffic. If you observe, in some cases, if you patiently follow them, you will get a chance to overtake and move ahead when you reach wider stretches of the road or when the traffic subsides. The same with problems in life too. If you patiently wait, you will get an opportunity to overcome them. In some other cases, the vehicle in front of you will take a different route, allowing you to move freely! Like this, the problems in life too may go away on their own! In other cases, the vehicle in front of you will continue till end of the road. It might delay you, but you will reach your destination safely. If you had tried to overtake them forcefully, you would have become agitated or it would  have led to some accidents. In the same way, some of the problems will remain with us, but if we accept them, we will ultimately achieve our goals.  

So, the way we react to the problems faced, while driving and also in other fields in life really matters. If we improve our reaction to these situations, we might improve our reactions to other situations too (including stammering) and manage them in a better way.  Initially we might feel angry deep within, though we might not show  it outside. It will improve over a period of time. May be, we can use our reaction to these situations as a measure of our own improvement or spiritual progress!

How to interact with people with stammering

There is a scene in Su Su Sudhi Vathmeekam where the protagonist is trying to buy egg (Kozhimutta in Malayalam), but ends up in buying cauliflower. This scene is a very good representation of the problems faced by stammerers. The shopkeeper is in a hurry and asks him what he wants. He struggles and a lady standing near him laughs. He struggles again and the shopkeeper shows his impatience. This compounds his problems and it becomes almost impossible for him to say Kozhimutta. In the end the shopkeeper decides to help him by completing his word and asks him whether he is asking for cauliflower. He thinks enough is enough and decides to buy cauliflower!

If you are thinking what all need to be taken care of while interacting with a stammerer, this scene gives details of what all should not be done! Recently I read somewhere that a person, who is dumb, is usually treated with much dignity, but a less severe problem of stammering, in comparison with dumbness, is usually ridiculed. Most of the time the people who laugh at stammerers do not understand how much it affects the self esteem of the person. He is struggling to convey his thoughts and when he faces these situations he goes into a shell and dreads facing the world. Please give them the same respect that you give others.

Please be patient while interacting with a stammerer. Please listen to him and maintain normal eye contact. Do not allow your expressions, words or acts convey the message that you are becoming impatient. Let him take his own time, but never advise him to slow down or take a deep breath. All these will only aggravate the situation. If the situation becomes friendly, he also will become relaxed and speak better.

In some cases you might get a feeling that you should help the stammerer by completing his words or sentences. Please don’t do that. It will give him a feeling that he failed in conveying his ideas and will affect his confidence. Let him finish the sentence and if you couldn’t understand what he told, please ask him to repeat. It is much better than supplying words. In some cases, in order to escape from the situation, he might accept the word supplied by you, even if it was not what he meant! That is exactly what happened in this scene. The shopkeeper was impatient and he decidied to buy whatever he suggested.

Please treat stammering just like any other disability. Please give them some space. They will also become comfortable with the situations and lead a normal and dignified life.

Please click here to buy the DVD of the movie

Bangalore stammering SHG – What was ailing it initially and how is it now?

Initial meetings

The first meeting of Bangalore stammering SHG happened on 13-Sep-2009 and it went on till 11-Apr-2010 with at least a few participants. After this there was a meeting in which nobody turned, up other than me, and then there were no meetings for a long time. After a few months Karthk took the initiative to rejuvenate it and decided to meet at Cubbon park on alternate days in the morning from 28-Aug-2010. The details of the meeting on 28-Aug-2010 can be read at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2010/08/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-28-aug-2010.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/373-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-28-aug-2010.html.  This went on for some time but didn’t continue for long.

 What went wrong?

When I look back I feel the factors which contributed to the downfall of SHG initially were these; expectation of the participants that they would find a cure in SHG, not much attractive activities in SHG which help them in improving the communication skill and the same person doing the role of coordinator. Let me go through these points a bit more in the following sections.

Most of the people consider SHG as a place where they could learn some techniques which would cure their stammering. Most of these people come to SHGs after trying different methods like speech therapy, psychotherapy etc. They would have not seen much improvements in their situation or would have experienced relapse after seeing improvements. They think SHG might give them a lasting cure. SHG surely is a place where they can learn some techniques used by fellow stammerers but TISA and SHGs try to convey the message that there is no known cure for it. In other words, it remains with us throughout the life though there are some cases in which a cure is reported. We can manage it.  For that, we should accept ourselves as stammerers and learn how to deal with it. We have to do those things from which we always used to run away and work on our communication skill. SHG is to be used for that. Whenever these points about cure and acceptance are conveyed some of the participants become upset which subsequently lead to them not turning up. May be, the coordinator in me failed in conveying the points clearly or in a more diplomatic way.

The second point was about working on communication skills and giving opportunities to do things which the participants were scared to do. Though the SHG was run taking into consideration the views of the participants and we had some activities like slow reading, speaking about a topic etc, there was no structured agenda. By nature, most of the stammerers are introverts and they do not open up. So there were not much inputs about the activities they wanted in SHG. So most of the time it was limited to introductions, discussions about the problems faced, practicing some of the techniques and very rarely somebody presenting a topic. It would not have helped them in improving their communication or attacking their fears.

The last point was about the same person running the SHG continuously. Initially though Amit was available as a coordinator, I had to take up the role of coordinator due to his non availability. So the SHG was run on a monotonous way, though I used to take the feedback from the participants on the activities they wanted. Unfortunately as pointed out earlier, not much ideas came out. Though we tried running the SHGs by identifying a volunteer who would take over the coordinator role in a particular meeting, it was again run in the same way! So fresh ideas were not coming up.

How the SHG was revived

Though the SHG was dormant for more than a year, some more people joined the SHG google groups and they suggested, modelling the SHG meetings on some of the famous personality development and communication skill development programs. The discussions went on for some time and they planned a meeting on 26-Feb-2012 at Madiwala. The details can be read at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2012/02/bangalore-shg-meet-26th-feb.html

How is it different now?

Though the SHG still conveys the message that there is no cure for stammering, that is more than offset by addressing the other two issues with the previous SHG. May be, the present coordinators are better than me in conveying the messages!

As was mentioned earlier, the SHG meetings are now modelled on some of the concepts from well-known programs. They are well structured and the attendance in the meeting is steady. This itself is a proof that the people are getting benefits and are enjoying the activities. I understand that they also plan get-together and some outdoor activities. The details of the meeting are available in TISA blog.

The meetings are now run by different people on a periodic basis. It helps in giving a chance to different people in taking up leadership role and also in bringing in fresh ideas. Previously it was held in Madiwala and now it has come back to the old place of Cubbon park. Some of the old participants like Pramod, Karthik are still active. They also have a WhatsApp group which helps in staying connected.

This means most of the issues plaguing the initial SHG were taken care of and it is running successfully now. Attending SHGs will be the best way to deal with stammering. If interested the person can even take over the role of the coordinator! So please go ahead and join the Bangalore stammering SHG by sending a mail to shgblr@googlegroups.com.

Banglore group talks to media

The article about TISA came in 'The Hindu' on 11-Jan-2010 under the column 'Urban Rites'. It can be read at http://www.thehindu.com/2010/01/11/stories/2010011157780200.htm .

The details of the meeting with the reported can be read at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2009/11/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-01-nov-2009.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/231-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-01-nov-2009.html

(Originally written on 11-Jan-2010 at https://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2010/01/banglore-group-talks-to-media.html)

Speaking about stammering

Naveen is one of the members of the Bangalore SHG from the very first meeting itself. I still remember the first meeting and was really surprised to see a person like him in the meeting as he was speaking fluently. He told he acquired this habit when he was in seventh standard and that he was a good speaker and an actor before that. He spoke a lot about the problems of stammering like running away from situations in which he had to speak and his struggles to hide his stammering. He told none in his company knew he was a stammerer.

Recently he sent a mail to the group telling he faced some personal tragedies and was living in his native place which was around 100 KMs from Bangalore and was travelling daily to Bangalore and back. His stammering had also aggravated due to this. In addition to that he was denied a promotion to the managerial post in his company. His CEO felt he had some attitudinal issues as he always used to reply in monologues to him and always avoided talking to him over the phone. He did this as he didn’t want them to know about his stammering. He asked for suggestions to come out of this situation.

Most of us including Dr. Sachin suggested him to speak to the CEO about his problem and to avoid hiding his problem. Though he was a bit apprehensive, in the end he decided to speak to him about this. After a few days he sent a mail telling he had a discussion with his CEO about stammering. His CEO told him that he knew about his stammering and that he was waiting for him to talk to him about this! He promised all his help to him and asked him to work on his presentation skill and prove to himself that he was a good presenter.

After a few days, he sent one more mail telling he talked to one more director of the company and she also told she knew about his stammering and used to communicate to him only through the mail because of that. He always used to speak in monologues and she thought that was the best way to talk to him! She advised him to practice yoga and meditation and offered all the help.

These incidents show the advantages of not hiding the stammering. We undergo a great amount of tension hiding our stammering and most of the time stammering comes out on its own without our knowledge. Most of the time the listeners are not concerned about the stammering but about our habit of running away from the situations and going into a shell. Sometimes they might even offer help! So, let us not hide the stammering. Let us remove some tension by openly speaking about it.

(Originally written on 15-Jul-2011 at https://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2011/07/speaking-about-stammering.html and http://stammer.in/articles/38-cat-stuttering-related/466-speaking-about-stammering.html)

Surgery

Don’t be confused. This is not a write up telling surgery is a solution for stammering, but a write up about the hernia surgery I had to undergo recently, 13-Jan-2011 to be exact. When I contacted Dr. Sachin to tell him about the surgery, he told me to write something inspirational after the recovery. I was wondering how to write something which would inspire the PWS. Later I could realize that surgery was something which I didn’t want to happen in my life, but had to undergo. Similarly stammering is also something which we do not want, but have to tackle. So, in the end, I though of writing how I decided to face the surgery.

Some times back, I had read the book 'The new earth' by Eckhart Tolle, again on the recommendation of Dr. Sachin. Incidentally, I also happened to see a write up on 'The power of now' in the TISA blog, which is another book written by Tolle. Some of the points of his book were in my mind, as I had completed the book only a few days before I decided to go for the surgery.

One of the points was "A situation you find yourself in may have something to do with it. Action may be required to change the situation or remove yourself from it. If there is nothing you can do, face what is and say, “Well, right now, this is how it is. I can either accept it, or make myself miserable.”"

I was diagnosed with Hernia around two years back and the surgeon told me not to go for the surgery at that time as it was not troubling me, though I might have to undergo it at a later point of time.

I was scared of surgery especially general anesthesia. So I decided to do something for it and face the situation based on its outcome. I searched the net and read the experiences of some people who got it healed without surgery. They had formed a mailing group to discuss about the hernia healing without surgery. I joined the group and did some of the exercises suggested by them. It was not of much use and I realized that the hernia had progressed much, though it was not causing any pain.

I again consulted the doctor and he told that I could go for the surgery if I wanted. Hence I decided to find a doctor who would do the surgery under local or regional anesthesia as I was scared of general anesthesia. Finally I found one and decided to go for it.

When it comes to stammering, I think, we should do whatever we can to improve the communication skill and accept the outcomes as they are.

Another point of the book which had struck me was " Nonresistance, nonjudgment, and nonattachment are the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living. When you become aware of the transience of all forms, your attachment to them lessens, and you disidentify from them to some extent."

Previously I was resisting the idea of undergoing the surgery. I decided to change it and accepted it as a necessity. I think a PWS should also remove the resistance to stammering from his mind and accept it as a part of his life.

Then, I decided not to judge the situation as good or bad. Every situation has a reason and I decided to accept it as it is. Again most of the PWS brood over their issue and think that it is bad. If we can remove this mentality and accept it as it is, I think, it would be really useful.

The last point of nonattachment is about the transient nature of events. Nothing is permanent and every situation will change. Hence we should not get attached to anything; in this case it translates to thinking much about the result of the surgery. I think, for a PWS, if he can think less about stammering and concentrate on what he wants to do if the stammering was cured, it will make a big difference.

With these points I faced the surgery calmly and now I am recovered. Am I able to do the same with stammering? Not completely, but I am doing my best to move on that path!

Please click here to buy 'The new earth'. For 'The power of now' please click here.

(Originally written on 2-Mar-2011 at https://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2011/03/surgery.html and http://stammer.in/articles/38-cat-stuttering-related/434-surgery.html) 

Bangalore SHG meeting on 11-Apr-2010

Bangalore SHG met on 11-Apr-2010 after a gap of two weeks. The meeting had to be cancelled in the last two weeks due to non availability of the members. This week, I got the confirmation from Pramod, Aashish and Tanoy and I reached Cubbon Park by 10 AM. I was joined by Pramod by 10.15 and indulged in some casual discussions. Soon we were joined by Aashish and Tanoy.

We started with Pramod. He told he was planning to perform a mime in his college. Then we discussed about drama therapy and the article about it, which came in DNA. Karthik, who is a member of SHG is an active member of that group and his name was also there in the article. It was followed by discussing about activities of army as Pramod was going for an SSB interview. He told about his experiences of visiting the Pakistan border along with his uncle.

It was followed by a description of Orissa by Aashish and Kolkotha and communist Government of West Bengal by Tanoy. The participants asked questions about these topics.

It was a good experience, though all of us stammered, as we were able to practice some techniques like slow speaking, bouncing etc. We dispersed by 12.30.

(Originally written on 17-Apr-2010 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2010/04/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-11-apr-2010.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/331-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-11-apr-2010.html) 

Bangalore SHG meeting on 21-Mar-2010

This meeting was attended by three people, I, Tanoy and Krishna. Krishna joined us late by around 11.30 AM and we had started our activities before that. We decided to synchronies the breathing and speech in which we speak after inhaling fully and exhaling a bit. We started with reading a passage and presenting the same. It was followed by discussing about the recent movie watched by us.

Since there were only two people, we were left with a lot of time and were thinking of dispersing. By this time Krishna joined us and we continued discussion on some other topics. Later we decided to roam around the park and find out where Visweswaraiya museum was, as two groups of people asked the direction to the place. Though we knew the approximate location of the museum, we had not visited the location. So went towards the museum and decided to ask some people about the location. Though we fumbled here and there, we could speak well and could locate it.

We went to the museum and since it was already 12.10, we decided not to enter it and dispersed.

(Originally written on 22-Mar-2010 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2010/03/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-21-mar-2010.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/325-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-21-mar-2010.html) 

Bangalore SHG meeting on 07-Mar-2010

This week, we were expecting a guest from Chennai, Chittibabu, who was in Bangalore on a short visit. I also received a message on the eve of the meeting from Aashish that he would be joining the meeting. He was a member of the Mumbai SHG and is now settled in Banaglore. Amith informed his unavailability the previous day.

This week, occupying the hut was like playing musical chair. When I reached the hut some people were sitting there and I sat on a chair very close to it. I was sure that they wouldn’t occupy it for a long time. As expected, they left the hut in 10 minutes and I occupied the hut and started my usual activity of reading the newspaper. By 10.40, I received the call from Chittibabu informing me that he was near the Library building. I tried to guide him to the hut but he couldn’t locate the hut. So in the end, I had to reluctantly leave the hut to pick him up. I was apprehensive about the fact that somebody else might occupy the hut if I left it. I brought him to the hut and we found to our dismay that the hut was occupied by a couple. Again we went to the chair near the hut and indulged in some casual discussions. By this time we were joined by Krishna. Very soon the couple left the hut and we occupied the hut.

By this time Aashish also joined us. We started the activities by getting to know the activities of Chennai SHG and Mumbai SHG from Chittibabu and Aashish respectively and by sharing the activities of Bangalore SHG. The only activity which was missing in Bangalore was doing some breathing exercises and meditation during the meeting as meetings were held in a public park.

Once this activity was over all of us spoke about ourselves, the family, the profession, the therapies undergone by us, the problems faced and the techniques used. It was followed by others asking questions about these. One incident narrated by Aashish is worth sharing. Once he went to a cable TV office to pay the bill and approached a girl sitting in the counter. Due to stammering, he could not speak properly and she began to laugh and told one of her colleagues to look at his stammering. He went out, practiced what he was supposed to tell and came back to her. She guided him to the proper counter and he paid the bill. After that he came to her and told her that a lot of people did whatever they could to see a smile on the face of a girl and that he was happy that his way of speaking brought smile to her face. When he was near the gate of the building, this girl came to him and apologized for her behavior. That was a very good way of conveying the message.

Krishna told he had difficulty in speaking to girls and he overcame it by deciding to talk only to them for some days! It again proves that if you did what was dreaded by you, you would overcome the fear.

We concluded the meeting and then went for a walk which has become a common practice of late in our group. We went to a vendor selling juice and Krishna bought Mango juice and we dispersed by 1 PM.

(Originally written on 8-Mar-2010 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2010/03/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-07-mar-2010.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/322-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-07-mar-2010.html
The incident mentioned by Aashish is included in the movie Su Su Sudhi Vathmeekam) 

Bangalore SHG meeting on 28-Feb-2010

I was attending the meeting after a gap of three weeks and reached Cubbon Park by 10 AM. Amith and Karthik 2 had informed their unavailability and a new person named Krishna called me the previous day to inform that he would be attending the meeting. I started to read the newspaper, I was carrying, as was my usual practice while waiting for the participants to come and by 10.30 I received the call from Krishna telling me that he had reached the library building. I gave directions to him to come to the hut where I was sitting and almost by that time I was joined by Subash. We started some casual discussions and then I got one more call from Krishna. He was finding it difficult to spot the hut and I went near the place where he was standing and brought him to the hut.

We started with the introduction and by the time we completed it, we were joined by Karthik 1. So Subash tried to introduce Krishna to Karthik. It was very funny as he told Krishna was doing body shopping whereas actually he was working in a body shopping (staffing) company and was in Bangalore on deputation for a year. Almost at that time Vivek came to the hut and asked us whether it was the TISA SHG meeting as he was meeting most of us for the first time. He had attended the previous two meetings but most of us were absent in those meetings. We welcomed him and we decided to start the proceedings by a fresh round of introduction.

We spoke about ourselves, what we were, when we started to stammer, what all we did to overcome it and what all were the useful techniques for us. Krishna is a very mild stammerer and he told he could control his problem by improving his confidence. Most of the participants told they stammered more when they spoke to stranger. Krishna told he would speak to strangers by not giving much importance to them as we would be meeting them only once in our life. He told he used a lot of gestures while speaking and that it increased his confidence. He told he used to learn the subjects very well if there was a presentation to be made as the stammering will increase if we were doubtful about the topic. These were really useful suggestions.

Vivek told he had difficulties in speaking over the phone and wanted to know how it could be reduced. We asked him not to run away from these situations ad to call some of the toll free numbers and talk to them. We suggested taking some deep breaths while speaking over the phone to control the anxiety.

In the end we decided to go for a walk and talk to some of the vendors selling homemade fruit juices. We went to a vendor and Subash bought a bottle of mango juice after asking the details. We dispersed by around 1 PM.

(Originally written on 1-Mar-2010 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2010/03/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-28-feb-2010.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/318-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-28-feb-2010.html) 

Bangalore SHG meeting on 21-Feb-2010

The meeting on 21-Feb-2010 was attended by Amith, Pramod and Vivek. A reporter from the magazine ‘Time out’ attended the meeting and there was a discussion of more than one hour. The article will be published in 2 or 3 weeks. The reporter left after taking some photographs.

After this the participants went for a walk and discussed about various topics.

(Originally written on 26-Feb-2010 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2010/02/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-21-feb-2010.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/316-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-21-feb-2010.html) 

Bangalore SHG meeting on 31-Jan-2010

By the time I reached Cubbon Park, I received a call from Amith telling Manohar from Pune was in Bangalore and that he would be coming with him by 10.30. I went to the hut where we meet, but some people were sitting there. I also occupied a seat in the hut and began to read the newspaper. I completed the newspaper and still nobody from our team was seen. It was 10.40 and I was getting bored. By this time the other people in the hut left the place and Amith came with Manohar.

We started the activities by getting to know each other. Manohar came to Bangalore to attend the wedding of his friend and decided to attend the SHG as he was free in the morning. We asked him about the activities done by Pune SHG and he told they started the proceedings by doing some relaxation exercises and meditation. The rest of the activities were the same as those done by us.

Though we thought only three of us would be there for the meeting, Pramod joined us soon and we decided to start the activities by self introduction as Manohar was new to us. It was followed by a discussion on the concept of acceptance. It was one of the most misunderstood concepts and the participants felt that the concept was not properly communicated. Acceptance meant accepting the stammering and not trying to hide it. It also meant that you were not ashamed of stammering, but you would work on improving the communication skill.

It was followed by extempore speeches. Manohar spoke about the changes in Bangalore from 2005. He was working in Bangalore at that time. Pramod spoke about the activities of the last three weeks. I spoke about my college days and Amith spoke about his most favorite movie. He told he liked Persian movies as they were very close to real life.

Then we decided to have a walk in the park. Manohar told his father had told him to go to Cubbon Park and he decided to take some snaps to show his father. We took some snaps, had some fruit juice from a vendor and took a stroll around the Park. We dispersed by around 12.45.

(Originally written on 4-Feb-2010 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2010/02/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-31-jan-2010.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/307-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-31-jan-2010.html) 

Bangalore SHG meeting on 24-Jan-2010

Contrary to usual practice, this week, Pramod was already waiting for me when I reached Cubbon Park. Amith had already informed his unavailability. Tanoy could not be reached over the phone and Kartik 1 was into some meeting and was also not available. We thought of contacting Kartik2 and surprisingly he told he was on the way. He joined us soon and we started the activities by indulging in some casual discussions.

Kartik2 suggested practicing belly breathing and it was followed by a discussion on the technique itself. After that we practiced the technique.

By that time Pramod bought some snacks and we decided to practice speaking without rushing by having a bite before talking. We asked each other some questions and he was supposed to answer them after having the bite. Though most of us forgot to have the bite before answering, it was fun.

It was followed by some more casual discussions and we dispersed at 12.30 PM.

(Originally written on 2-Feb-2010 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2010/02/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-24-jan-2010.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/305-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-24-jan-2010.html)

Bangalore SHG meeting on 10-Jan-2010

I reached Cubbon Park by 10 AM. Karthik 1 had informed that he wouldn’t be coming. Tanoy contacted me in the morning and told that he also wouldn’t be coming. Amith had confirmed the participation in the morning. Soon after reaching the place I was joined by Vinay, Amith and Pramod. Amith informed us that Karthik 2 also wouldn’t be joining. I just asked Amith why Subhash was not coming for the meeting as they were colleagues. Almost at that time, Amith got a call from Subhash, telling he had reached Cubbon Park. He was attending the meeting after a long gap.

We started the meeting by describing the way we celebrated the New Year and the activities of the last week. After that Subhash told he was in his native place last week and that while paying with the kids in his neighborhood he was teased by a small boy for stammering. He wanted to know how we would have reacted in that situation. All of us were of the opinion that we should neglect it and if possible, join him in his laughter.

After that there was a discussion on the places to be seen in Kerala and Tamil Nadu as Viinay was planning for a trip to Kerala and Tamil Nadu. Then each one of us described the good and bad incidents of stammering of the last week. It was followed by Pramod and vinay describing their future plans and the rest asking questions. The last activity was reading and we dispersed by 1 PM.

(Originally written on 14-Jan-2010 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2010/01/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-10-jan-2010.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/296-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-10-jan-2010.html)

Bangalore SHG meeting on 03-Jan-2010

The first meeting of the Bangalore stammering SHG of the year 2010 was held on 03-Jan-2010 at Cubbon Park. As it was holiday time due to Christmas and New Year, I was expecting a low turnout. I reached the Park by 10 AM and went to the hut where we usually meet. Within a few minutes Vinay joined me and we began to have a chat. By this time I received a call from Amith and he told he was on the way. He came within 15 minutes. Later we were joined by Aravindan.

Since Vinay was having his exams till the last week, he spoke about his exam and he told he stammered a bit more because of exam related stress. After that we talked about the activities we did in the last week.

Then we decided to read some news from the newspaper after implementing any technique which is suitable to us. It was followed by a discussion on the movie 3 idiots and the controversy about not giving much credit to Chetan Bhagat for the story. By that time, Vinay got a call from somebody and he left the meeting.

We continued the meeting with the activity of story building. Aravindan could not understand he concept in the beginning and we had to do a demo to make him understand. Then we built a story around the Firoz Shah Kotla fiasco, where the one day match between India and Sri Lanka had to be cancelled.

Then there was a discussion on controlling the anxiety and Amith suggested talking with the eyes closed to control it. We tried that and found that to be useful. He suggested practicing it over the phone as it may not be possible for us to do that while talking to somebody.

Since there were just three people, we could complete the activities by around 12.30PM and we dispersed by that time

(Originally written on 12-Jan-2010 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2010/01/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-03-jan-2009.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/292-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-03-jan-2009.html)

Stammering and Diabetes - similarities

Today, 27-Dec-2009, we had the stammering SHG meeting of Bangalore. During the course of the meeting, all of us spoke about a subject and one of the participants spoke about ‘Landmark education’ and accepting ourselves as we were. He told the people attending the landmark forum got breakthroughs for the problems of the life like stammering, diabetes etc. He mentioned about diabetes as I was also diabetic.

After that when my turn came, I told that there was no known cure for stammering and that we should learn to live with stammering and accept ourselves as stammerers. After that it was the turn of one of the new attendees and he told, he became disappointed when he heard my words and he told there was a cure and we should be very hopeful of a cure. I spoke about the real meaning of acceptance as removing the shame from our mind and working on our communication skill. I am not sure whether he was convinced.

Later when I reached home, I just thought about the two problems of my life, namely diabetes and stammering and suddenly I could see some similarities between the two. There is no known cure for both of them. If you are diabetic, you will have to accept yourself as diabetic and then move on in life by following diet control, so that diabetes doesn’t affect your life. If a diabetic did not accept his diabetes and tried to hide it, it would be catastrophic as he would take food with sugar and it would aggravate the problem. If he accepted himself as a diabetic, he would avoid food with sugar and his diabetes would be under control and he would lead a normal life.

Similarly if somebody is a stammerer, he should accept himself as a stammerer and shouldn’t try to hide it. At the same time he should do the things necessary for controlling it, like speaking slowly, prolongation or bouncing, whatever is suitable for him. In this way it will be possible for him to lead a normal life where the stammering doesn’t affect him. If he is trying to hide it by struggling to speak fluently, there would be a lot of stress and the severity of stammering will go up thereby affecting his communication.

I hope I could have used this parallel between stammering and diabetes in the meeting and convinced the person who was a bit apprehensive about the idea of acceptance.

(Originally written on 30-Dec-2009 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2009/12/acceptance-bangalore-27-dec-2009.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/283-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-27-dec-2009-and-the-discussion-on-acceptance.html) 

Bangalore SHG meeting on 20-Dec-2009

I started for the meeting at 9.20 AM. Tanoy had requested me to pick him up on the way. When I reached the spot mentioned by him, he was not there. I called him and he told he was on the way. He reached there in ten minutes and we started. He told Murali was waiting for us on the way and he contacted him. By this time Murali had already boarded a bus. It seems he became bored of waiting for us.

We reached Cubbon Park by 10.20, parked the vehicle and moved to the hut. Some more people came to the hut and occupied the remaining seats. Then I received a call from Satish Chandra who had contacted me the previous day, showing interest in participating in SHG. I went to pick him up and while coming back I saw the people still occupying the seats. I was wondering whether we needed to move out to some other place, when they themselves left the place leaving it for us. Almost at the same time we were joined by Sharan and Murali.

We started with the introduction as we had a new member. Satish told the experiences of being a stammerer and the troubles he had due to stammering. After the introduction, he spoke about the techniques that had helped him like belly breathing and speaking after taking the breath and starting the exhalation.

It was followed by a reading exercise in which everybody read a passage using some of the techniques like slow reading, breathing and bouncing. After this everybody spoke about a subject given by others. The last activity was story building.

We dispersed by 1 PM and when we reached the parking lot, my car was not getting started. Initially I thought it was the problem with the battery of the remote, but then Murali told me that he saw the lights of the car as turned on when he reached the park and that he forgot to tell me. By the same time, the caretaker of the parking lot also came there and told the same. Then I realized that the battery of the car might have gone down and opened the car with the key. The SHG members and the caretaker helped me in pushing the car and making a jump start and we left the place by 1.10 PM.

The picture of the hut where we meet is given below.

(Originally written on 22-Dec-2009 at http://t-tisa.blogspot.in/2009/12/bangalore-shg-meeting-on-20-dec-2009.html and http://stammer.in/menu-shg-activities/57-bengaluru-shg/278-bangalore-shg-meeting-on-20-dec-2009.html))